Today, Tomorrow, and Forever
by Little Eirtae
Summary: My first fic. What would Mac feel if Harm died right after his return to JAG? Very emotional. HM.


Today, Tomorrow, and Forever  
  
Disclaimer: Once upon a time, I owned JAG. Then a glitch in the Matrix screwed everything up and, among other things, made DPB the owner of JAG. So now, I'm reduced to sitting at home, trying desperately to write this fanfic while my mom yells at me to do my chores. For absolutely no pay. So don't sue me. Please.  
  
Author's Note: I don't know how to get the HTML to work, so yeah. It looks kinda weird. But oh well. Anyways, the pairing is H/M. Spoilers for "We the People" and everything after the epi where Mac goes to Paraguay. This is my first fic (as if you couldn't tell), so go easy on me. Reviews are very welcome; flames will be used to threaten my sister into picking up after herself once in a while. Thank you.  
  
Hey, Harm. How are things? I've missed you.  
  
I know I haven't visited you yet. I'm really sorry about that. I just never could work up the courage. For a while after it happened, I thought I'd have to be locked away. Thank God, I've finally been able to put the past behind me. I know now that you're in a better place. If anyone deserves to be in Heaven, Harm, it's you. I only hope that someday I'll be worthy enough to stand by your side up there. I know I still have a long way to go.  
  
Oh Harm, I can still close my eyes and see your face... your piercing blue eyes that I could always get lost in, your lips I can still taste... Oh God, how I miss you.  
  
I remember as if it were yesterday the call I received from the Admiral. You'd been in a car accident. You were in critical condition. I'd never been so scared in my life; I swear my heart stopped. I drove eighty-five all the way to Bethesda. When I arrived at the hospital waiting room, the Admiral was already there and Bud and Harriet were on the way. When they got there the Admiral told us the story: You'd stayed late at JAG to catch up on everything, and it was late when you finally left. It was very dark outside; there was no moon out. Suddenly the driver in front of you- a seventy year old man- suffered a stroke. His car went crazy. You swerved to miss him, hit a rough patch of road, and flipped your car three times. The other driver was stable. You were hanging on by a thread.  
  
The Admiral blamed himself for giving you so much work to do. Harriet was bawling. Poor Bud was left to comfort the two of them. I just sat alone in a corner, staring at the wall. I was overcome with grief. How could this happen to you? I had talked to you only hours before, and now you were fighting for your life.  
  
Like a dream, our lives flashed before my eyes. Everything that we'd ever done together, from the Rose Garden to the present, I saw in perfect detail. Every look, every touch, every word. And at that moment, I knew that no matter how hard I tried not to, I still loved you. I had thought that after Paraguay, it was over and we could go on with our lives. For me, that meant giving up on you and settling down to a nice life with Clay. But now, faced with the possibility of never seeing you again, I knew that that could never happen. In fact, I realized then- for the first time, I think- just how much you meant to me. It scared me that I could love someone so much. But what scared me the most -what filled me with an intense fear than I ever imagined possible- was the thought that I might lose you, and you might never know about that love.  
  
I had always had a mysterious connection with you that somehow alerted me when you were in danger. I had never felt that connection more strongly than I did just then, and I knew that my greatest fear was about to be realized. You were going to leave me. I was never going to get to say goodbye. You would never know how much you meant to me. How much I loved you. I sat there, staring straight ahead, tears streaming down my face, praying fervently for a miracle, for what seemed like forever. I couldn't lose you. I just couldn't. But I did.  
  
The next thing I recall is the doctor delivering the news that you were gone. I refused to believe it. My handsome, vibrant Flyboy was gone forever. I panicked. I thought that if I could just see you, and beg you not to leave me, you would somehow wake up. I tried to push past the doctor into the operating room, but I was too weakened by grief. I cried out for you frantically, dropped to the floor, and blacked out. I don't really remember much after that.  
  
I have only vague recollections of the funeral. I was in shock. I didn't move or say anything. I couldn't even cry. All I could do was stare at the casket, thinking about the unfairness of it all. The old man, who had suffered a car crash on top of the stroke, miraculously survived. You didn't. Life is so cruel.  
  
Then the planes flew over. I looked up at them, remembering how much you loved planes. I could almost see you up there in the cockpit of one of them, grinning down at me. I couldn't take it anymore; I broke down. I ran screaming and crying towards the coffin. Bud and the Admiral held me back. I tried to fight them off.-I nearly broke the Admiral's nose- but then Gunny joined them, and they eventually overpowered me. I called your name desperately, incoherently. I screamed that you couldn't leave me, that I couldn't live without you, then I collapsed.  
  
Everything since then has been a blur. The Admiral gave me three weeks leave, but because JAG was so overworked, after that I had to go back to work. He continues to blame himself for your death. He loved you like a son. Bud and Harriet still grieve for you, but they've learned to move on. At least they still have each other. I became cold and ruthless. I have made more people cry on the stand in the last six months than ever before in my life. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep. I couldn't think straight. Bud, Harriet, the Admiral, they all noticed that I wasn't the same, but then they never really expected me to be. They tried to help, but there was nothing they could do. I hit the bottle again, this time harder than ever before.  
  
I'm so ashamed. I know how upset you would be if you could see me now. I hope that wherever you are, you're not watching me. If you are, please don't blame yourself for my problems. It's not your fault. It's mine. Mine for taking so long to realize the truth. Mine for not telling you how I feel while I had the chance. Mine for being afraid to admit that I love you Harmon Rabb Jr. I always have, and I always will.  
  
When I met you in the Rose Garden, I was distant. I was wary of that flyboy grin of yours. Then things started to change. During the Declaration of Independence fiasco, you won my respect. A few more cases together, and you had my trust. It didn't take long afterwards for that trust to blossom into friendship. You became more than just my partner. You were my best friend, my refuge, my whole world. I'm not sure exactly when I fell in love with you. Looking back now, I suspect that deep down I loved you all along, but it took me several years to realize it. It hurt so badly when I finally did. Every time I tried to get close, you pulled away. I was so frustrated with you. The stupidest thing I ever did in my life was my little speech in Paraguay. I was just so sick of hurting; I thought maybe I could finally find some peace with Clay. But it was no use. My heart always belonged to you. You were my rock, my strength. My everything. We could have had so much, Harm, if only we'd allowed ourselves to see it. But we didn't, and now we never can. I'm so sorry for not telling you all this when you were alive. Please forgive me, and maybe someday I can learn to forgive myself.  
  
I've spent the last six months of my life mourning what might have been. I can't do that anymore. I know you would want me to move on. You would remind me that I'm a Marine. You would tell me that I can get through anything. But then, if you were here to tell me these things, then I wouldn't need to hear them, would I? Yes, it's true, I've been through more than my share of hardships and I've overcome them all. But don't you see, I always had you to help me. Whatever happened, you were there by my side, seeing me through. We could do anything, as long as we did it together. And now, after all this time, after all those trials and tribulations, I've come to the one thing that I can never recover from: losing you. Six months ago, I didn't think I would live through this. But now I know that I have to, for you. Even though it hurts me more than words can tell. Even though I know I'll never be the same again. Even though I know that I'll be scarred forever, I will live on, because of you. Because of your legacy. Because you'd want me to.  
  
I came across this verse the other day, and I knew it had been written for you:  
  
"Many people come into our lives and leave quickly. But some stay a while, leaving footprints on our hearts, And we are never the same."  
  
You were one of those people, Harm. You changed me in ways I could never have imagined. You saved me. I'll never forget you. Even in death, you will live on through me.  
  
I never got to say goodbye to you. So I'm saying it now. Goodbye Harm, and Godspeed. I will love you forever.  
  
Wait for me,  
  
Your Sarah.  
  
Sarah Mackenzie signed her name to the letter as tears streamed from her eyes onto the paper, smearing the ink. She stood up and folded the tear- stained letter in half, then she looked up at the balloon. It was a large bloodred heart, which bore simply the words "I love you- today, tomorrow, and forever." She tied the letter to the balloon string, closed her eyes, and began to pray.  
  
"God? I know I'm not in much of a place to ask for favors... but could you please see that Harm gets this letter? Thank You."  
  
Sarah opened her eyes and, taking a deep breath, released the balloon. As she stood there by Harm's grave, watching it float higher and higher into the sky, she somehow knew that Harm would get her message. He would know after all. Just before it disappeared behind a cloud, she whispered, "I love you, Harm. Today, tomorrow... and forever."  
  
Author's Note: There ya go. My very first fanfic. I hope you liked it! If you did, there's a little button down there that says "Submit Review". If you didn't like it, well... flames are welcome, if not appreciated! Until next time!  
  
~ Little Eirtae ~ 


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